‘Tis the Season..

I don’t really do resolutions. Some of it is that I tend to eschew trends on stubborn principle, but most of it is knowing that my motivation comes from something other than the turning of the clock from one day to the next. That said, as many others who also don’t do resolutions note, the start of a new calendar year is a convenient time for reflection and re-evaluation. And with that in mind, there are things I’m working to make a more regular part of my life, as well as a few I’d like to make less so.

Previously I talked about having started running for cardio. I think it’s fair to say that it’s become enough a part of my regular routine, given that I have maintained it (well enough) through both work travel and the holidays. In the end, even on the days I don’t want to, I can often cajole myself into it by noting that “it’s only half an hour” and noting what time it will be when I’m finished. I’m not sure why that works as a mental kick start, but it does. In any case, my regular weekly routine these days includes 3-4 Pilates reformer classes and at least three days of 30-minutes of cardio (either elliptical or running/walking on the treadmill). I also regularly get 10k steps at least 6 of 7 days in a week. All that is good, and good for me, so I will be conscious of not letting myself slip out of those habits.

I rather enjoy live theatre, but tend not to go regularly because coordinating schedules with people to accompany me ends up being more work than enjoyment. However, I’m learning to enjoy going alone, which also has the benefit of meaning I can sometimes get very good seats – an empty seat between two parties in an otherwise full section of the theatre, for instance. My family was visiting this past week for the holidays and we saw a choral performance at the Kennedy Center and Motown at the National Theater, both of which were grand. On a whim this afternoon, I took advantage of a last minute ticket deal on Goldstar for their last available ticket for tomorrow night’s performance of Kiss Me Kate by the Shakespeare Theater Company. Next weekend, I’m meeting a friend – again, pretty much on a whim prompted by a good hotel deal in Manhattan – in NYC for a weekend of theatre. We’ll likely only be able to make two shows – a matinee and an evening performance Saturday – due to travel schedules and the like, but all the same, I’m rather terribly looking forward to it. So, something I’d like to make a more regular part of my life is going to the theatre, and I’ll endeavor to do more of it in the coming year.

In terms of things I’d like to be less a part of my life, top of that list is my nearly constant internal monologue worrying about what other people think of me. I have a deep-seated fear of disappointing people – which leads to other manifestations like Impostor Syndrome and near constant second-guessing of myself. While it is undoubtedly a very good motivator to do things well, the drawback is a perpetual nagging doubt about whether I’ve done it “well enough” or been “good enough”, which quickly leads to questioning whether I am “enough”. This is different than egotism – I don’t want to be the best, or be the center of attention, or even receive public accolades for anything I’ve done. Rather, I want *not* to be noticed *because* I’ve done what’s expected (and not less). This, as is likely fairly obvious, is insidious and has so many pitfalls and traps as to be quickly self-sabotaging, all the while looking externally as if everything is going exactly as it should. For me, making this less a part of my life will involve taking to heart the advice I’ve given others: we are all human, we will all make mistakes and let people down, sometimes without ever knowing it, and that’s just part of *living*.

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